Transformers and the Mary Sues
by Tolwen
Summary: My frustration at the many Sueish fics I've read. Two strange looking sisters run into some very large alien robots. One becomes an Autobot. The other a Decepticon. Both find love, but who is their father? !
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Transformers. Period. Hasbro, Michael Bay, and others own it. Mecha Sue and Machina Sue are incarnations of Mary Sue, who belongs to everyone. But please ask before you take the names please.

**Author's Notes: **After reading a lot of really bad fanfics in the Transformers section, I have decided vent my frustrations of the Mary Sues into this fic. The characters used in this fic are a mixture of G1 and Bay's movie.

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**Transformers and the Mary Sues**

Once there was a girl named Mecha Sue. She had a younger sister named Machina Sue. They both lived happily together with their parents on a planet called Earth. The two sisters always stuck out in public because of their unusual features, which made them very self-conscious and ashamed and shall be described in full detail.

Mecha had delicious ruby red eyes that glowed when angered and shimmered when she was happy. Her hair was the color of chrome, yes chrome, that when hit just right looked like metallic strands of silver swinging beautifully in the wind. Her perfect skin was somewhere between white and a pale blue, and had a somewhat stiff texture to it, as if it were aluminum.

Machina had the same semi-precious stone eyes as her sister, but her hair was a bright blue with streaks of red. Also unlike her sister, where Mecha was pale, a pale bluish silver to be exact, Machina was more of a golden hue. Not like a Jessica Alba bronzy-gold, but the fake yellowish-gold color.

Both girls were exquisitely beautiful despite having such strange features. But other girls were hated them for their beauty, because all the boys felt strangely attracted to them, similar to their attraction to anything that require batteries and blinking lights. So the local neighborhood girls made it a point to constantly throw a barrage of assorted items. Incidentally enough, the girls were never seriously harmed since the objects merely bounced of their metallic-like skin. This led to bigger and heavier objects to be thrown, which would be physically impossible for teenage girls, but they somehow managed to hurl the cumbersome objects at the defenseless girls.

Oddly enough the parade of boys who followed them home seemed to disappear during such attacks. With the bigger objects the girls began receiving dents in their skin which miraculously healed overnight, furthering the belief that they were freaks.

One day, after a particularly bad day of torture, Machina exclaimed, "I simply can't take this anymore!!! Mom, why do they hate us so much?"

"Well, sweetie, they're just jealous of your good-looks," their mom repeated. She said this _every_ time they asked this.

"Well, why do we look so different in the first place?"

"Eh…It's too early in story to give you a reasonable, logical explanation, even though the explanation will break all laws of reality. Is something burning?" Their mother quickly left to get away from troublesome questions and save her supper.

Machina turned to her sister. "I'm so _tired _of this. I am _sick_ and _tired_ of this. I'm gonna find out why we look so different!" Machina then proceeded to storm out of the house, into the unknown with no clue how she was going to find out who she was or why she was different. In fact, she didn't know where to go to so that she could find out who she was, but it doesn't matter because she knew in her spark—oops—_heart_ that everything would come out right.

Terrified that her sister would get lost or hurt, Mecha ran after her when suddenly a government plane swooped by and blew up their house. Fortunately the girls were unharmed, having run out of the house at just the right time. But alas, their parents were obliterated. With tears in her eyes, Machina ran away into the distance, where she proceeded to get captured by government agents.

Mecha was too dumbstruck with grief to notice her sister running away and getting nabbed by government agents intent on experimenting on her. Instead, she ran into the nastiest, dirtiest, most bad-men infected alley she could possibly find. Almost instantly about fifty men surrounded Mecha, contemplating the bad, horrible, painful things they would do to her.

Mecha tried to fight them off, but sadly, fifty men were just too much for her and she collapsed under a mass of limbs and torsos awkwardly punching and kicking each other trying to get to her first. Mecha squeezed her eyes shut, knowing that they would ravage her innocence and kill her soul, and waited for her untimely death.

Suddenly, a blaring light shone through the alley. Mecha heard a whirring sound and clanking metal and a _stomp, stomp, BANG!_ Instantly, all of the evil men went flying off her and into the next state, where they landed bruised but unharmed and managed to flag down a police car to help them. Unfortunately, the police car happened to be Barricade…

Mecha opened her eyes to see a gigantic robot standing in front of her. Although the normal person would be scared out of their wits, and rightfully so, Mecha knew that this strange being meant her no harm. "Thank you from rescuing me from those bad men," she said sweetly.

"You are welcome. I am Optimus Prime, Leader of the Autobots, and we fight for peace. Our archenemies are the Decepticons. They fight to destroy Earth." Optimus transformed into his vehicle mode and opened his door to her. "I have used the Matrix to sense that I will eventually need your help, otherwise I have no other excuse to take you to the Autobot base and stay with us even though you probably won't serve any purpose except be a distraction and get in our way."

Mecha for reasons unknown, climbed into Optimus. **(A/N: Oh, that sounds _wrong_.)** "I trust you Optimus. I know you will never, ever let anything hurt me, even at the expense at your own life, which is a good thing, since that might just happen."

And with that, Optimus and Mecha drove away, not knowing that they were being watched. "Hehe, Optimus is getting soft and stupid in the cranial unit. Megatron will love to hear what I have just learned. I'm so smart; Megatron will just applaud me for my smartness! He knows that one day I shall take over because I am just so smart. One day…" The Decepticon the transformed into a jet and flew away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Transformers in any way, shape or form. Hasbro, Michael Bay, and others own it. I also do not own anything related to _The Phantom of the Opera_. Or the idea of the Opera Populaire being a transformer. That idea belongs to IsabellaImogen. I don't know if there is a transformer named Operator, but if so, I don't own him either. I also don't own Soundwave's inferior/superior quote. You'll have to google a spoof of the G1 episode of Heavy Metal Wars. Very amusing indeed.

**Author's Notes: **Well, I certainly wasn't expecting the response that I did. It has made me very happy that you liked it so much and agree with me. And don't worry, I'll be adding more crazy stuff to it. The insanity is not over yet. Also, if you have not heard Soundwave's original voice, this will not be quite as funny.

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**Transformers and the Mary Sues**

We shall go back to what happened to Machina after she was captured by government agents.

After Agent Smith—I mean—_Simmons_ botnapped—er—_kidnapped_ Machina, she was immediately taken to Sector 7, despite the fact that all Sector 7 agents had been fired and had to actually put their lives on the line like real government agents. Apparently the Mary Sue laws have gone into effect to resurrect disbanded secret agencies.

Anyway, Machina was subjected to horrible experimenting. Agent Frankenstein repeatedly injected Chemical X into her fragile aluminum-like skin. Then he tossed her into a cell where she was cryogenically frozen. After a few hours, her gorgeous frozen corpse started to change, mutate and eventually _transform_. She became a beautiful mass of gears, switches and blinking lights the world had never seen. She was no longer the Machina Sue everyone knew and loved. She had become…a GIANT ROBOT!!!!!!!

Two seconds later Starscream broke into Sector 7 to exact his revenge upon the humans for freezing his master for decades, although that had placed him in temporary charge of the Decepticons, which made him very, VERY happy. Nonetheless, he broke into, coincidentally, the same cell Machina was trapped in and was instantly blinded by her beauty, despite it being mostly covered up in ice.

Starscream knew that Megatron would be very upset if he did not rescue the most stunning 'bot to ever grace anyone's presence, never mind the fact that Megatron's still stuck at the bottom of the sea. No, Starscream knew he had to rescue her. He grabbed her exquisite iced up carcass, transformed into his jet mode, and whisked her away.

Eventually the Decepticon got to his makeshift base, where he then tried to thaw out his Ice Princess. This was done by use by blowing hot air from the rear of his jet. Within minutes, Machina was unfrozen and started to regain consciousness.

"Ugh…Where am I?" she said groggily as she stood up on her new legs. She saw Starscream and screamed with all her might that her vocal capacitator would allow. Starscream winced at shrillness of the sound.

"Silence you silly little femme! You look upon your rescuer!" He stood up into a heroic posture to show his importance. "If it weren't for me, you'd still be a frozen mass of gears inside Sector 7!"

"You…saved…me?" Machina gasped. "I am forever in your debt!" She threw her arms around her rescuer and kissed him chastely on the cheek. "My name is Machina. Might I know the name of my knight in shining armor?"

At hearing the name Machina, Starscream's little spark came to a grinding halt. He knew that name from somewhere. It took a few seconds of digging into his memory banks to figure it out, but when he did, he gave a startled jump. It couldn't be…

"Um, hello? I'm still here waiting for your name," Machina said.

"Eh? Oh, yes, I am Starscream. Pleased to meet you after all this time."

"After all this time? Are you foreshadowing to a secret which will forever change our relationship or something?"

But before Starscream could answer a shooting star came whizzing by over their heads. "Oh, a shooting star!" Machina cried. "Make a wish Starscream!"

The "shooting star" crash landed about twenty feet away. "I don't think that's a shooting star."

The "shooting star" then proceeded to transform.

"No, it can't be," Starscream said to himself. The transformed robot walked over to the pair.

"Hello Starscream," said a metallic robot voice.

"About time you showed up…Soundwave."

"A necessary delay. And I have brought good news."

Another "shooting star" crash landed next to them. "I have repaired our leader. Behold, Galvatron."

"That's…wonderful Soundwave," Starscream forced out.

The two new Decepticons looked over the femme. "Who is this Starscream?" Galvatron demanded.

"I rescued her, oh mighty Galvatron," Starscream said with just the slightest hint of sarcasm. "I thought she might be of some use to the Decepticon cause."

"Oh, can I be a Decepticon?!" Machina squealed. "You are such nice guys. I'd _love_ to help you."

Machina found herself strangely attracted to Soundwave and Galvatron. Soundwave and Galvatron were strangely attracted to Machina.

"Of course you can join us, my dear," said Galvatron, taking her phalanges and pressing his lips to them. "The Decepticons would be honored to have such an exquisite asset to fight against the Autobots." He put the purple Decepticon symbol on her shoulder.

"Autobots: inferior. Decepticons: _SUPERIOR_," Soundwave said.

Starscream put a protective shoulder around Machina.

Soundwave turned to Galvatron. "Energon levels decreasing. Need a new source of energon."

"I know just the place. Operator has informed that he is hiding out as an opera house in Paris. Apperently there are large numbers of creatures he calls Mary Sues that is disturbing the local Opera Ghost, better known as the Phantom. We can just kidnap the Mary Sues and drain their life energy and turn it into energon." Galvatron then threw back his head and gave a mighty laugh, which made Machina attracted all the more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the Transformers, or anything in association with the many TF series. Hasbro, Takara, and Michael Bay do. I also do not own Mythbusters.

**Author's Note: **It's been awhile, I know. I've been busy entertaining myself with _Beast Wars._ And for those who want to know, Mary Sues are usually annoying when there are vast quantities of them in any given genre. Strangely, no one has seemed to address this problem within the TF genre, so I have taken it upon myself to do so. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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**Transformers and the Mary Sues**

Meanwhile, back at Autobot headquarters, Mecha was being introduced to "the gang".

"Autobots, this is Mecha Sue. I have brought her here because I sense that she can be of some use for us," Optimus said. "Mecha, these are the Autobots."

There was Ratchet, Chief Medical Officer. Next came Ironhide, the trigger-happy country hick. Wheeljack was a mad scientist wannabe who knew more ways to blow something up than the Mythbusters. Bumblebee was a perky little guy who liked to hang around small, annoying human teenage males. Jazz was a cool 'bot who was upset because he was the only Autobot who died in the movie and vowed revenge if he wasn't rebuilt in time for sequel. There were other Autobots, such as Hound, a hologram specialist; Mirage, the disappearing 'bot; Bluestreak and Cliffjumper who seemed to have watched too many episodes of Scooby Doo; and twins Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, famous for being twins; and, of course, countless others, but no one cares because they weren't in the new movie.

"How _fortunate_ of you to bring back another human, Optimus," said Ratchet. He glanced over to a corner of the base where other humans were occupied. There were roughly about eight sub-adult males, six sub-adult females, and two adult males named Sparkplug and Spike Witwicky from the G1 series. The others were from other various TF universes. They immediately paused from whatever they were doing that they believed would help the Autobots (although really, what could puny, technologically disadvantaged teenage humans possible do to help giant advanced alien robots?) in their war against the Decepticons.

At the sight of Mecha, all of the Autobots became instantly intrigued, except for Arcee, the only female Autobot, who, at the sight of Mecha, realized that she was about to be replaced and went into temporary deactivation. The sight of her perfect human-like beauty made the males forget that they were completely incompatible species and cultivated a deep romantic love for her.

But the moment they all tried profess an undying love for her, Optimus Prime shoved them all back. "Back off! She's my human femme, I found her first, so she is MINE!!!"

At that moment, Optimus Prime's old girlfriend, Elita One zapped to the base. "Optimus Prime, you jerk! I thought you were coming back for me!" she yelled.

"Elita One! I forgot about you—I mean, I thought you were dead—no, uh, why aren't you back on Cybertron?"

"I…don't know. I think just for ANGST. But I'm here now, and you're _cheating_ on me with a-a-a _HUMAN FEMME!!!_"

"Now, Elita, I know this may be hard for you now, but I'm doing you a favor. We haven't seen each other for at least four million years and absence does _not _make the spark grow fonder. It's just not working out for us. Why don't you see if Ultra Magnus is around somewhere?"

"Well screw you too!!!" And with that, Elita One disappeared from time and existence. What? We can't have a former girlfriend getting tangled in Mecha's romance! Of course, it's too early for Mecha and Optimus to acknowledge their feelings for one another just yet.

"Oh, Optimus, I'm so sorry you lost your girlfriend! I mean, gosh, it must be hard not seeing each other for millions of years. Your poor spark must be in such pain!"

"Thank you for your concern, Mecha, but this was a long time coming. I just want what's best for her," Optimus said with sadness, but not too much sadness since he was FREE!!!

Suddenly a siren started blaring in the base. Everyone immediately turned to Teletraan I. It showed that the Decepticons were surrounding an Opera house and they were taking human females of about sixteen years of age. The human females were then placed inside a clear dome, drained of their life force, which was then converted into energon, which was then placed in energon cubes emerging from Soundwave's chest.

"Teletraan, how are the Decepticons able to do this to ordinary human beings?" Optimus asked the computer.

Suddenly a hologram of a young girl dressed in all pink appeared. "It appears that these are not ordinary human beings. These human-like beings are known as Mary Sues. They are usually perfect beings, exquisitely beautiful and unusually odd physical traits to enhance their beauty, and the majority has strange super powers. It appears that the Decepticons have somehow managed to stop them from using their super powers, super charms, and super psychoanalysis abilities to use them to convert their superior qualities into usable energy. This is done by—"

"Slag it, T-Ai, how many times do I have to tell you to quit doing my job!" Teletraan I yelled. "Optimus asked _me_ to give the report, not my underage 'daughter' from an entirely different series! I don't know why I even need a daughter! I can function perfectly well and perform all of the Autobots needs without you constantly butting in. The day I my motherboard fries is the day you can takeover, NOT before!"

Teletraan I would have continued ranting but Optimus cut him off. "Where are the Mary Sues located?" he asked.

After a few bleeps and whistles a map of the general area appeared. "They are located in Paris, France by the Opera Populaire," Teletraan I said.

"Optimus are you going to rescue the Mary Sues?" Mecha asked.

"Yes, Mecha, because unfortunately the Mary Sues are sentient beings, and freedom is the right of _all_ sentient beings."

"I'll help! I'll do whatever I can!"

"Hm, you just might be able to help me, Mecha. How, I don't know, but I'm sure you can do something constructive. Autobots, transform and rollout!"

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**A/N: **Bluestreak, Cliffjumper, and Teletraan I were all voiced by Casey Kasem, the voice of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. T-Ai is a character from the _Robots In Disguise_ series. And the humans in the corner are as follows: Daniel Witwicky, his mom Carly, and Astoria from G1; Koji from _RiD_; Rad, Carlos and Alexis from _Armada_; Kicker and Misha from _Energon_; Lori, Kobe, and Bud from _Cybertron_; Sam and Mikaela from _Transformers_, the 2007 movie. Just for your pleasure. 


End file.
